Hansel and Gretel

version by

Dom DeLuise

Parts(12):    Narrator 1    Narrator 2    Narrator 3    Narrator 4    Narrator 5    Narrator 6 
             Hansel        Gretl         Angela        Bruno         Widow         Blut Annie
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Narrator 1:  Dom DeLuise's HANSEL & GRETEL

Narrator 2: Once upon a time, there lived a poor family who worked very hard to keep 
            themselves in food and clothing. They lived from hand to mouth, and, let's face 
            it, that's a very short distance.
 
Narrator 3: The mother and father, Angela and Bruno, had two children.  Hansel and Getel, who
            were not only brother and sister, they were also best friends. Every day they 
            would play together and every night they would wish each other 
 
Hansel and Gretl: "Sweet Dreams."
 
Narrator 4: Angela wanted Hansel and Gretel to grow up strong and healthy. She fed them 
            fresh vegetables, fresh fruits, non-fat dairy products, fish, grains, and beans..
            Ah but we'll hear from the beans later. 
 
Narrator 5: Every morning they ate healthy, delicious hot oatmeal with skim milk, and they 
            shared some fresh fruit.  For lunch they ate vegetables and fat-free chicken soup.
            After lunch the children would ask for apple pie a la mode with chocolate sauce.
 
Angela:    "Oh my, no.  Have some healthy strawberries, an apple, or a banana for dessert."

Narrator 6: said their mother. Hansel and Gretl said,
 
Hansel/Gretl: "Ah. We just want a sugar fix!"
 
Narrator 1: Their mother saidŠ
 
Angela:    "I don't think so."
 
Narrator 2: Then one day their mother became very ill, and soon after, she died. Their father
            was very sad. Hansel and Gretel missed their mother so much, they would cry 
            themselves to sleep.
 
Narrator 3: Now, next door there lived the Widow Brown, who wanted to marry their father in 
            the worst way. Why, she brought him chicken soup every single day. If you're 
            looking for a new husband, chicken soup is a must. Bruno really liked the Widow 
            Brown's chicken soup, so they were married soon. Unfortunately, the Widow Brown 
            was not very fond of children.  OH, Dear!

Narrator 4: One evening, while Hansel and Gretel were asleep, a beautiful butterfly landed on 
            Gretel's nose and woke her up. Gretel heard the Widow Brown talking to her father.
 
Widow:     "There's not enough money and food in this house for all of us.  Let's take the
            children for a picnic and leave them in the woods. Another family will find them, 
            take them home, and care for them.  The children will be so much happier and so 
            will we."
 
Bruno: "No, no. I love my children. I couldn't.  I just couldn't."
 
Narrator 5: said Bruno.  The very next night both Hansel and Gretel heard the Widow Brown 
            talking.
 
Widow:     "Take them to the woods, I tell you! Make some excuse and leave them there.  
            Someone will find and care for them.  Not to worry." 
 
Narrator 6: Bruno said nothing.  But Hansel and Gretel started to‹guess what? Worry!
 
Gretl: "We need a plan," 
 
Narrator 1: said Gretel. Hansel agreed.
 
Narrator 2: Remember the beans from before?  Well, early the next morning Hansel and Gretel
            filled their pockets with dry beans to drop along the path. Those beans would
            help them find their way home.  
 
Widow:     "Children, we are going on a picnic in the woods," 
 
Narrator 3: said the Widow Brown.  They started walking. Hansel and Gretel lagged behind 
            dropping beans along the way. Soon they were deep in the woods. 
    
Widow:     "Let's have our picnic here. You children rest. Your father and I will get some
            firewood."
 
Narrator 4: said the Widow Brown.  And they left.  Hansel and Gretel caught each other's eye.  
            They were alone.  Alone!  Oh my! 
 
Narrator 5: It got so quiet they could hear the crickets chirping and the leaves rustling. 
            Why, they could even hear a dewdrop drop!
 
Gretl:     "Don't worry.  We've got a plan. We'll find our way back. We'll just follow our 
            trail of beans."
 
Narrator 6: said Gretl.  They started home, but most of the beans had been eaten by 
            squirrels, rabbits, and who know what else!
 
Hansel:    "Our bean trail has been eaten!  Oh, what to do?" 
 
Narrator 1: cried Hansel. They both sat down and had a good cryŠthat is, if a cry can be good.
 
Gretl:     "Wait, Hansel! I smell cookies baking."
 
Narrator 2: said Gretl.
 
Hansel:    "It's coming from over here!" 

Narrator 3: cried Hansel.  They climbed a small hill and came to a fence that was made of
            gum drops, lollipops, lady fingers, glazed donuts, and a giant chocolate covered 
            pretzel gate.  The gingerbread house was full of junk food. It had a cholesterol 
            count of 888, which is high, even for a house. The children were so hungry. They 
            started to eat. 
 
Gretl:     "This lady finger fence is absolutely delicious!"
 
Hansel: "Yum!  Have some chocolate windowsill."
 
Narrator 4: Suddenly the cupcake doorknob turned, the door flew open, and there stood Glut 
            Annie Stout, a woman as wide as she was tall.  
 
Glut Annie: "Who's eating my house?" 
 
Narrator 5: she called.
 
Gretl: "Oh, we're lost," 
 
Narrator 6: said Gretel.
 
Glut Annie: "Lost? Don't worry; I'll take good care of you. Come in. I'm making some sweet 
            apple and blueberry pies.  Come in!"
 
Narrator 1: said Annie.
 
Narrator 2: Glut Annie gave them strawberry malteds, apple pie a la mode with chocolate 
            sauce, banana cream pie, and a big piece of chocolate, not five‹not six--, but
            seven-layer cake. Well, the children ate and ate.  They were very tired, so they 
            said their prayers, wished each other 
 
Hansel and Gretl: "Sweet Dreams," 
 
Narrator 2: put their heads on marshmallow pillows, and fell fast asleep.
 
Narrator 3: Early the next day the butterfly gently woke the children.
 
Hansel and Gretl: "Good morning," 
 
Narrator 4: said Hansel and Gretel.  Glut Annie Stout served them a very big breakfast of
            eggs Benedict, bacon, ham, sausage, pancakes, and French toast, all smothered in
            butter and maple syrup. A calorie counter she wasn't.  Hansel and Gretel couldn't
            finish their food. Glut Annie, however, tasted everything twice.
 
Narrator 5: After breakfast, the children said good-bye and started to leave, but the door 
            was locked.
 
Glut Annie: "And just where do you good-for-nothings think you're going?" 
 
Narrator 6: asked Glut Annie.
 
Hansel and Gretl: "Home, we want to go home," 
 
Narrator 1: said the children.
 
Glut Annie: "Home? Ha, ha.  Never!  You'll live here and help me make puddings, cakes, and 
            pies.
 
Narrator 2: The children trembled. It was clear that Miss Glut Annie Stout was (a) completely 
            unaware of how unhealthy all that fat and sugar is! And (b) not very niceŠnot 
            very nice, indeed! So the children worked as hard as they could helping Glut 
            Annie  while she cooked and cookedŠand cooked. 
 
Narrator 3: Later that night the children gathered some fireflies from the open window and had
            a family meeting under the blanket. What to do?  What to do? Glut Annie was so 
            disagreeable, so mean and so cruel.  The children made a plan‹a plan to run away!
 
Narrator 4: The next day the children licked a hole in one of the lollipop windows.  Gretel 
            boosted Hansel up to unlock the latch. They climbed out, jumped down, and started 
            to run. But Glut Annie Stout was waiting and swooped Hansel and Gretel up in a 
            sticky net made of cotton candy, which clung to their arms, legs, and hair. Glut 
            Annie washed them off in the pond and brought them back into the house. She put 
            Hansel in the kitchen pantry.  
 
Glut Annie: "That ought to keep you," 
 
Narrator 5: she said as she locked the gate. She put the key in her apron pocket and said 
            to Gretel, 
 
Glut Annie: "You won't run away again. You won't leave your brother here, locked up. Now get 
            back to work!"
 
Narrator 6: Oh, she was so-o-o-o-o mean!!  Gretel worked and pondered.  She needed another
            plan.  
 
Gretl: "Oh, the key!  The key is the key!"
 
Narrator 1: thought Gretl. Days went by.  Unhappy days. Nights went by. Unhappy nights. 
            Gretel helped the wretched woman cook, and thought about ways to get that key. 
            Every day Glut Annie sat down to a fat-filled feast.  
 
Narrator 2: And every night Gretel had all those dishes, pots, and pans to clean. Glut Annie
            baked and bakedŠand baked, using lots of cream and butter and eggs, oh my!  Then 
            one day came the straw that broke the camel's back‹Glut Annie burped so loud it 
            stopped the clock, and she didn't even say, "Excuse me!" 
 
Narrator 3: Well, Gretel knew it was time to set her plan in motion. So the very next day she 
            took all the sugar and hid it in a picture of the Good Ship Lollipop‹almost 
            sinking it.  
 
Narrator 4: Later, when Glut Annie Stout was ready to make her cakes and pies, she shouted, 
 
Glut Annie: "Sugar!  There's no more sugar." 
 
Narrator5: She took the key and unlocked the gate. Gretel's plan was working! As Glut Annie 
           entered the pantry, Gretel signaled Hansel to step to one side.  She picked up the
           broom, swung it wa-a-a-a-ay back, and with all her might let Glut Annie have it 
           right on her rump roast. Ba‹rump‹bump! 
 
Narrator 6: Oh, what a loud thump she made.  Hansel ran out. Gretel slammed the gate shut.  
 
Glut Annie: "Why, you little‹"
 
Narrator 1: Glut Annie snarled.  Oh! But the key was inside.  What to do? What to do?
 
Narrator 2: Just then, as if by magic, the butterfly picked up the key from the floor of the
            pantry and flew to Gretel, who took it and locked the gate just in time.  Hansel 
            and Gretel hugged and kissed each other.
 
Narrator 3: Using the key, Gretel opened the front door, and they ran through the woods to a 
            recently installed public telephone.  Thank goodness Alexander Graham Bell lived 
            in the neighborhood.  They called 911.
 
Narrator 4: The police soon came and took Glut Annie Stout into custody. She was charged 
            with kidnapping, being mean to children, and eating an entire smorgasbord without 
            a license.
 
Narrator 5: Now, months before, Bruno, realizing he had made a mistake, had sent the Widow 
            Brown packing. She was never heard from again.  Good riddance!  So when the 
            police told Bruno that Hansel and Gretel had been found and were safe, he cried,
 
Bruno: "My dream has come true!"
 
Narrator 6: And oh, how happy he was to see Hansel and Gretel, his children that he loved
            so much.
 
Bruno: "I'll never let you out of my sight again! I'll always be your loving father."
 
Narrator 1: he said. This was music to the children's ears. 
 
Hansel/Gretl: "Oh, thank you, Father, thank you! We love you so.  We are so glad to 
            be home!"
 
Narrator 2: said Hansel and Gretel.
 
Bruno: "This calls for a celebration. Let's have apple pie a la mode with chocolate sauce."
 
Narrator 3: said Bruno.  The children turned green at the thought. 
 
Hansel and Gretl: "No thanks, Dad, just a plain banana would be fine."
 
Narrator 4: Just then the beautiful butterfly appeared.  
 
Hansel and Gretl: "She's our guardian angel," 
 
Narrator 5: said Hansel and Gretel.
 
Bruno: "Oh, I thought it was a butterfly."  
 
Narrator 6: said Bruno.  The children laughed as they all had some fat-free chicken soup.
 
Narrator 1: Their loving father opened a very successful health food store called "Bruno's 
            Golden Dream." He took excellent care of his children for many years, and every 
            night they all wished each other not sweet, but golden dreams (fewer calories).  
            They were a family again. A loving, fat-free, healthy family who lived happily 
            ever after. 
Scripted by Jill Jauquet